The Journey is Never a Straight Line
 
I questioned everything. And I mean everything. Some things just didn't make any sense to me. Being a pre-teen in the 1970s you would think I would have lots of paths and choices. Free thinking. My mother and father were swinging hippies so I should have been in an environment condusive to free thinking. Well combining that with a strict catholic family and my questions became absurd to many. 
 
How long did it take Noah to build the Ark?
Why did I have to go to church all the time to visit God when I am told he is everywhere?
How can I hurt someone physically and then confess and have that not affect my spirit?
How can this one lifetime be all that there is when the universe is so big?
 
I kept these questions to myself not knowing the true answers but continually seeking them. We had corded phones, no computers or Internet. Research was done at the library where the books were pre chosen to contain "correct" content. And I needed a ride! 
 
My Italian family was extremely close knit. Spending every Sunday and Monday and even some Thursday's  all at my grandparents house. Many times, especially on Sunday's, people from their church would be there for healing and prayer from my grandfather. Someone would sit in a folding chair. My grandfather would pull up his sleeves, douse himself with rubbing alcohol and just attack that persons neck, shoulders and anywhere he was needed. This was normal to me and I thought nothing of it. My grandmother would assist. These were strict Catholics and my grandfather had healing hands! Just like Jesus did. How is this possible? Is what I later would reflect on.
 
When I was 16 I was faced with myself. Living in Florida where my mother moved with her new husband. My Parents had gotten a divorce. No one was paying attention to me so I had a choice. Do I leave now and start over with a new life? Somehow I just knew that we were reincarnated over and over again even at my young age. My decision was to just start over and begin a quest to discover my truths that I felt compelled to know. 
 
I was on my own working three jobs, renting a bed in a big house full of other people. Struggling to understand this new adult world and all on my own. I did not talk to either of my parents and remained in contact with one aunt who always had time to see and talk to me. I never asked for help from anyone. I didn't need it. I could do this!
 
My first clue that I could see things that were inevitably going to happen was my first husband. When I saw him from across the room I saw marriage and being with him for a time. That's all. And I more just felt it. It was like my sub conscience told me so it must be truth. And it was.
 
 It was not until I was in my early 30s that I came back to my child hood questions. It was also during this time that I realized I could  effectively give people body massages, which I thought everyone could do,based on my families healing practices. I have had many friends try and work on my back and they actually would hurt me so no. Over the years it came to me that somehow without any training or book reading I could just make people feel so much better somehow. My hands knew where to go and exactly how much pressure to apply. It was like magnets being drawn to my hands. Second nature it felt like.
 
I had reached another crossroad just like when I was 16. I was getting divorced from a loveless marriage. I was ok with this fact after 10 years because somehow I knew that's the way it was supposed to be. It must have, I saw it.
 
It was at this point that I had a turn in my daily focus. I had a great Career and could basically do what I wanted to. Choices for just me. I felt empty and raw emotionally. I had to rebuild my inner self from the ground up, again. I changed everything! My hair, clothes, everything. For the first time, since i was young, I was completely alone. During this time I realized that i could separate sex from love and a relationship. This helped me to maintain my independence and still have casual fun.
 
I knew that by the time I reached 35, I wanted to start a family. Whether that meant a sperm bank or meeting the right man. I met my second husband when i was 35! I knew the first time i saw him that he would be a responsible, good father and a great Husband.
 
With my second marriage I had both of my children. My first when I was 37 and my last at 39. When my second child was born I could immediately see what she was all about. It was that inner knowing voice again. I shook it off because it was slightly disturbing at the time to say the least. I had seen a truth that she hadn't yet decided whether or not she was going to stay. Stay? Yes live here in this body as this person. She was a new spirit to this three dimensional world and she apparently had a choice. It was this point that I really started to pay attention to any Input that disrupted my routine filled world. When she was about 5, she made the decision to stay. We have talked about this numerous times and it's just the truth. We have an extremely close spiritual bond and no one on this earth but me has this with her. 
 
As I reached 44 I started to have more time on my hands because our two girls were much more independent. I had too much time. Rediscovering what I had pushed down in myself because I wanted a family so very badly that I focused all of my attention on that. Now I saw myself looking back on my original questions and goals for myself with my life. 
 
Was I doing what I was supposed to be doing with my life?
Was this it?
Am I truly happy right now?
What do I want?


 
Ugh! My realization that another marriage was going to inevitably come to an end was exhausting.  And he didn't take it very well but I was a different person inside and I needed to break out and rediscover who I really was.
 
During this time, I had friends that had so many questions for me about what I was doing with my life. They didn't know what to think or say to me. I didn't know what to tell them. From the outside I had the perfect life. It may have been for some but it wasn't for me. My girls and myself was all I had. I gained a lot of true friends during that 2 year period following me moving out. I luckily got a nice place just a block away so commuting and sharing custody was just super easy.
 
It was during these first two years of separation, from my second husband, that I had a lot of time to myself. During this time I learned to quiet the thoughts in my head. Well this just allowed events from my past to come up. Like opening a book of your life and what jumps out are events and confrontations that were apparently unresolved. So it was kinda like reliving certain things over and over until I really understood it's truths, learned it's lifes lesson and forgave. Not only maybe another person but the hardest part being forgiving yourself. You see at that time I was still questing for more out of life and here I was in my 40s still struggling with those darn questions. 
 
I realized that I needed to have myself, my spirit, my life in order then I could maybe get these answers. I knew there was so much more for me but fear of this unknown has kept me from pursuing more of myself. I had looked outward for answers for so long that maybe the answers were within!
 
I privately faced a few childhood traumas. Looking at these occurrences from another persons point of view helped a lot with my closure. A miraculous thing happened when I had given up to the universe and said ok, bring it…I now have an empty closet with nothing hiding from me from my past. I was comfortable with who I was and where I had been. What next?
 
What about the answers that I still seek?
What is my purpose now?
What do I do?
Why are people always drawn to me in pubic?
Why do people look at me like I have all the answers?
Do I? How do I listen to my sub-conscience messages?
How do I interpret them?
Is this ultimately for me or for other people?
What am I and how does his work?
 
I started to do Research on the Internet to find out if there was anyone else out there who Had some kind of instinctual hands on healing, seeing future events, knowing what people needed. And were they born with this ability? How did they find out that they even had it? So many questions now flooded my mind.
 
I was ready to discover what I was, who I was and why. I had dispelled my inner fears of the world and decided to just surrender to the forces of the universe. Not even knowing what they were but after all this time...there just had to be more.
 
Self discovery took a lot of time. One thing I did realize was that if I sensed something. It was always correct. Whether that realization was instant or with time. I never saw anything that wasn't truth. I would just look at someone and get messages from them. Some people had a lot to say and some were just not accessible, meaning I saw nothing at all. People would just come up to me and ask me the most random questions. Some would start off by saying..I don't know why I came over to you but...and then somehow I would give them what they needed at the time. Closure, understanding of someone's actions, politics even. Seems like any question that was asked I could access the true answers. Any subject.
 
 As time went by, years, it just became easier to access people's true self. To tune in to their frequencies and just walk beside them and talk to them as if I knew them better then they knew them selves. After about 3 years of this, I was alone and decided to find out why I had a playful energy form that would follow me around. 
 
Let me explain. I had a very close friend with me that day, when this playful energy first came to me. When I first met, my close friend, I knew he was important. I just knew. We still have a special bond of understanding that is unbreakable by this world. His brother had committed suicide when he was 21 and my friend was 18. Their 12 year old brother found him. I never knew him but felt that somehow I did. How was that possible? My friend and I were talking and I was driving and all of the sudden I felt a huge energy presence enter the car. It made me stop talking. My friend asked what just happened. I said, your brothers here for some reason. His brothers energies stayed with me on and off for over a year. Playful, never intrusive, just hung around. 
 
So one day I was in my attic and I decided that I wanted to know why he was here. But upon thinking to ask this question I was teleported back to a scene that unfolded as if it was happening right now. His brother had me sacrificed and killed! It was a whole scene of betrayal and my death by a big rock on my head. The third blow and the scene went blank. I have a mark their on my head today because of this. The man that sent me to my death was the brother. I realized this when I asked the question. Why am I seeing this scene and who is the brother in all of this? The realization that the brother sent me to my death as a sacrifice greatly disturbed his spirit. So much so that when he was in that last life he could not cope and didn't know why. I talked to his mother and what she said was that he always struggled and nothing ever worked out for him, ever. This was because his soul was in an un rested state. He sent his daughter to be blundered to death and carried the guilt.The Daughter was me, at that time. I forgave him for ending my life and felt his spirit finally at rest and he has since left me and has never returned. Upon the forgiveness of his spirit and realization of why he was with me to begin with allowed him to move forward. With a newly forgiven spirit he is now a 3 year old girl whose parents deserve to have a light love child. And that is now what he is. He will no longer struggle in life and is on the correct true path to himself and will spread love throughout the world because he is now whole again.
 
I saw my past life! Oh I saw a gold city and some kind of triangle light statue. I drew what I saw and eagerly looked online to see when that was or where that was. No luck!
I knew it was true but where was it? Nothing online seemed very hard to believe given our current technology. I decided to look again. I saw a few more of my past lives although nothing as dramatic. I did see that I was a very young black man running in a corn field and I was shot in the neck and killed. This happened prior to this life. He was in love with someone that was forbidden. That's why he was killed. I also have a mark where I was shot. I then realized how marks on our body that we have had our entire lives had a lot to do with our prior ones. 
 
A question answered. Finally! I knew for a fact that there was many lifetimes, at least for me, and this one was not the only one. Heaven and hell? Nope I don't see it. No devil, unless you want to count your own evils that you carry. And heaven? Heaven is within. You need not die to find it. Although a lot of spirits do not truly understand until they are facing their own death, that happiness was there all the time they just didn't look hard enough within themselves or forgot that at they always had the key. . .